Today is national chocolate chip cookie day. Not sure which nation it is for. If I were to guess, it's probably the US. I just finished watching the movie Tolkien and it got me thinking a bit. I've been on cruise control for the last 2 years while I've been trying to get a handle on all the different curve balls thrown my way. And now that I feel like I've resumed my sanity and I'm trying to find my bearings, I ask myself this question. Where am I going in my life? What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to be in the next 5 years?

This sounds crazy to me, but I graduated college almost 6 years ago. 6 years... That's a long time. Based on my 6 year old math, which obviously didn't account for how much 6 - 8% interest actually built on loans, I calculated that 65% of my student loans should be paid off by now. When in reality about 40% of my loans have been paid off. I had also paid extra on my car loan, expecting to have my car paid off the beginning of this year (nearly a year ahead on my payments.). I am still 7 months out before it's officially mine.

Besides that, I expected to be in a position of leadership. If I hadn't left my previous job I would have maintained that sort of position. But instead I decided to pursue node.js with an AWS stack, and frankly had to justify a lot of the work I've done.

Four years ago I joined a startup and learned a lot about event driven architecture. I had the opportunity to build some cool tooling and work hard, learn the domain and meet some great people. Although it ultimately went under.

Three years ago I was in the best shape of my life. I was actively going to the gym and started seeing some results I had never seen before. At one point I could push 4x my body weight on a sled. At least until I got a hernia being a little too ambitious.

A little over two years ago I met my wife and within that time had a kid. The before and after plus after kid is an adventure all on its own.

I've battled GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) featuring dozens of panic attacks not limited to any one place or time. Learned what it means to meditate and the importance of trying to deal with emotions and thoughts as they come rather than bottle them up for late night sprints with a CPAP tied to your face.

So a lot has happened in the last 6 years. I feel like I have coasted primarily because of anxiety but also due to some complacency.

This might sound dumb, but there is a part of me that wants to be successful. And I'm afraid if I am not keeping up with everything going on, then how do I come up with a better idea. How can I come up with an original idea? I'm intimidated by the people we have in the news. How did they get to the point they are at? What did they do? How did they acquire the foresight? How do they know what to ask or do or say? I mean relentless wall head butting seems to be the answer for some, but there are others who seem to have a knack for it.

I want that knack.

When I was working out. I got to a point where going to the gym was just a part of what I do. 7:30 pm rolls around and I am headed to the gym. 9 PM and I am exhausted and ready to go home to eat some meat and veggies. It didn't matter if I didn't want to go. I was at a point where I was seeing change. I was feeling it. I was in control. And it was exhaustively rewarding.

Just like building your first company, having your first clients. It's exhilarating and fuels you to move forward. Something about that state of mind. That sense of self satisfaction. Self accomplishment. Constant powerhouse for progress and next steps. It's like you're living in a constant "flow" state. The same feeling you get when you eat a  warm and gooey chocolate chip cookie.

I'm missing that right now.

Something needs to change. 🍪