I'm not a psychologist. Not even close to one. In fact if you wanted to put me on a spectrum of the type of people that it takes to be a psychologist I would probably be on the other side of the spectrum. I am a software engineer. Known for being the "closet coders" and it's rare to see them in daylight.

Version 3.5

I'm at a point in my life where I feel pretty confident about who I am. But I wasn't always like this. I did quite a few things in my past that made me grow up pretty fast. A lot of those things were 10+ years ago but they define a lot about me and who I am today. I was talking to a friend about something they had done several years ago and I knew where they were immediately. I wanted to talk roughly about how I got through something similar.

Now that I boasted about talking about how I am confident about who I am. I am not confident enough to talk directly about the issue I had or what my friend went through.

State of mind

How did we ever come to decide that a life is worth something? Why do we value it so much? Is it because it is finite? Is it because we all understand that there is only one?

What about self worth? If we have all come to an understanding that everyone else is valued. Life is valued. Why is it so hard for a lot of people to value themselves? I'm not talking directly about depression though I'm sure it's dark tendrils have their grasp on some of this. I am more talking about how some of us, including myself, tear ourselves down. Maybe not so much tearing ourselves down, instead holding a bar above our heads as if family, friends, society has placed it out of our reach after tripping. When really the expectations that we, and sometimes society, valiantly try to impose on ourselves are unrealistic.

I think those of us that hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations, end up destroying our self worth when we don't meet them. Rather than taking our failures and embracing them as another rung in the ladder, like a toddler we get frustrated and destroy. And at some point when you have destroyed enough about yourself, you can get pretty low.

I think my friend was and or has tittered on that line quite a bit. Bouncing back and forth from being complacent, not satisfied, to being disgusted with themselves.

They say time heals all wounds. They don't say that time will heal all wounds that are self inflicted. One of the hardest things I had to overcome was valuing myself again. There will always be people in life who forgive or leave. Either party won't forget but one is invaluable to have.

The most important person who needs to forgive themself is the person reading this right now. After so long, everyone has either forgiven or left. If you are still experiencing lows unprovoked by some external source...

You, are the aggressor.